The Etiquette of the Facebook Status

Ah, the Facebook status. Probably the most read words out of everything today. There are inspirational quotes, classic one-liners, funny pictures, and links to promote other websites. However, this is not the majority of status updates. Every time we log in to Facebook, we face a multitude of simply awful posts. I say, no more! It is time someone published a list of rules that outlined the correct and incorrect ways to put up a status. A guide to give integrity back to the Facebook authors and enjoyment back to it's readers. So here it is. The Proper Etiquette of Facebook Status's.

1. The Golden Question
Before you post ANYTHING on Facebook, ask yourself the Golden Question: "Does anyone care?" Yes, I realize that Facebook is your own personal page that you are free to customize and connect with your friends in any way you want. It is still no excuse for bombarding other people's home pages with "I read 23 pages today!" or "I can't decide on which sweater to where...green or blue?" Hundreds of people can see the stuff you post. And hundreds of people get slightly more annoyed with you while reading the things you posted on facebook. There's already a place for posting useless tidbits of information. It's called Twitter. So post that stuff there so we can ignore it easier.

2. Confusers
How many status's have you read that make you wonder what the person is talking about? Like an inside joke, or a comment on a movie that we don't know. As much as I want to know if "this is the worst!!!!" or not, I would like to know what is the worst. Is it a person? An event? Was I there? Was it my fault? Should I be sorry? Or am i related to this person? Or a friend? Do I have to find and beat you now? This will eventually lead to an aneurism and that person will have to be hospitalized because they couldn't figure out what the heck you were talking about. 
Just ask, you say? If you have to ask more than 1 question at a status, its defeats the purpose of a status and becomes more like philosophy. And no one likes doing philosophy at 2 in the morning or during a paper break. So be clear.

3. Depressors
You know these. The status that is so depressing that it makes you die a little inside and you wonder how this person was able to roll out of bed to type this. They're not even calls for help. They're just...depressing. Also falling under the fist two, these status's should be avoided. Why? Because if you're on your computer all day, constantly updating status's, and trying to chat to people who you rarely talk to, because you hide in your room all day, then I really don't feel sorry for you.

4. Sharers
These are similar to Depressors in that they deal with the emotional side of things, but it doesn't have to be sad. It's just way too personal. Don't tell me you got your rash reduced, or your ingrown toenail surgery (accompanied with pictures) or that the girl you like is not into you because you peed on her cat (hmm...maybe that last one's ok). I guess this kinda falls under 1, 2, and 3. So that makes it 3 times as much avoidable.

5. Likers
Are you a 13 year old girl? Because that is the only time you can EVER get any leeway with these. "Like if want me to message you something nice!!" Though, I am tempted to like them and see what they say. Especially when they are a 13 year old girl in my sisters class who added me because I was on her bus. So far, no responses...

6. The Reposters
A great way to let people know you haven't a creative bone in your body. I'm sure everyone loves reading about which friends you would have during a zombie apocalypse. Well, at least those 6 friends who were tagged in it might. Unless they've ever been tagged in one before. Ever. They get old REALLY quickly.

7. So Much Deepness
"Posting song lyrics on your facebook page and thinking you're deep is like taking pictures really close up and thinking your a photographer."
Thanks Joel. Sums it up very nicely.

8. The Haters
A good dose of hate and mocking is required every now and then. Politics. Sports. Facebook Status's. But don't hate EVERYTHING. Your ex. Your parents. Your job. Your teacher. Your facebook changes. People can SEE this stuff and find out your a annoyingly bitter person inside. And guess how many people want to hang out with someone on who complains all the time?
No one.
Guess how many people want to make fun of this person?

So then, what IS a good status? With all the stuff I've mentioned, some people now have nothing to post, which may be a good thing (did I miss any?). But I'm not outlawing all status's (though hopefully most of them). A status should have meaning. This is a line or two that ALL your friends can see. Don't make this a place to post random thoughts (again, Twitter). It can be so much more! Whenever I contemplate updating a status, it has to either be funny, or giving info. I hold status's as pretty important. Why? You have an automatic audience of every friend on facebook you have. That can be up to hundreds of people! Whether you like them or not! It's a free version to publish jokes, promote songs and videos and pictures you like, share experiences, inspire people, call people out or simply to brighten the day of your friend in Texas. So make a status that takes advantage of this amazing opportunity.

Or, try to get more likes than someone else. Preferably, chose an unpopular, unfunny friend. You win every time.