Friday, 8 July 2011

Girls and Kittens

There is a phenomenon in our world that has had science stumped for years. It's not the theory of evolution. It's not the size of our universe. It's the mystery of girls and kittens.

You may have witnessed this in your own home and with your own family and friends. When a girl is handed a kitten, her mind seemingly becomes mush. Instead of a typical response to cuteness, such as, "Aw, its so cute", a girl will respond with "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ITS SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE! Aren't you! Yes you awer! Yes you AWER!" It can be very disturbing. Even with extremely smart girls, the response is the same. Though some seem to have gained a mild resistance to it, none seem to be safe. Doctors and scientists have spent years trying to find out what causes this and possibly a cure, but, so far, to no avail.

 Until now

Recent discoveries have unveiled that when kittens are born, they have a special gland located at the bottom of their brain. Though the use of this gland is unknown, it does send chemicals throughout the body and releases them through the pores of the kitten. When the kitten grows into an adult cat, the gland is dissolved by the body and the remaining matter is absorbed into the brain. There are no negative side effects, though traces of the chemicals can still be found in some adult cats, but with significantly less potency. The chemical is odorless, colourless and tasteless but when this chemical is combined with chemicals in female humans, it creates a volatile concoction that quickly flows through the blood to the brain. Once in the brain, it reacts with the brain cells and causes a temporary numbing of the brain. Regular cognitive thought becomes slow and only the simplest thoughts can pass through. This is observed in childlike speech, possessiveness, and unintelligible sounds. To put it simply, the thought process is reverted to a toddler. 

Like many other chemicals exposed to the human body, overexposure can cause immunity. Females who have lived around cats for many years generally are not as affected as those who only see kittens every once and a while. This rule, however, is not solid. During the teenage and young adult years, which are years of great change, chemicals in people are much more susceptible to these kitten chemicals. Also, personality, maturity, even hair colour, can all effect the potency of the reaction.

As for a cure, none currently exist. To remove the kittens gland is an extremely invasive surgery and only has a success rate of approximately 20% in lab tests. Kittens that do survive tend to be more susceptible to diseases and suffer a major drop in cuteness. The chemical in a females blood is bonded to the chemical make up of the blood and is impossible to extract, and the surgery to remove a girl's blood has a success rate of 0%. Until technology advances enough to remove this gland or let people survive without blood, we simply cannot do anything to prevent it. 

I hope that I was able to bring light to one of the many mysteries of our world. Now, instead of laughing quietly to yourself at the unexplained behavior, you can laugh quietly to yourself and know what's happening. 

No comments:

Post a Comment