What's a Cecil Worth, Anyways?

Chances are you’ve heard of this lion named Cecil and the dentist who shot him. People are up in arms about it (Ba dum tis). The people over at PETA have even called for the guy to be hanged. I swear, if PETA doesn’t overreact to one of their causes, something’s wrong. But it seems like the majority of North Americans seem to be leaning to that sort of reaction. Jail time. Public shaming. Deportation. It’s getting ridiculous.

Anyways, this got me thinking – what is this guy’s life worth? What is any human life worth? Is it worth a lion?

Well, that means it’s off to do some hasty googling while I write this. If you are the type who enjoys African trophy animals adorning your study, then you could acquire a maned head/shoulder mount for $2500 - $5000 on ebay. That’s probably what the dentist was after, since I heard that the head was cut off. Tough to make a rug then, which would be valued around $2000 - $3000. A full body mount would be closer to $10 000. And that’s not even factoring in shipping and handling.

And those are just the selling values. Trying to get an idea of what a lion shoulder mount would cost, I saw a taxidermy forum say that a guy charged twice as much on a life-size mount as he would for a cougar. Another site was charging $200/linear foot for a cougar shoulder, whatever that means.

Now, we cannot assume that a stuffed lion would be worth the same as if it were alive. It is the top of the food chain in the Saharan plains. It controls the gnus and gazelles from overrunning the continent. On top of looking pretty, the lion controls populations, anchors a food chain, and makes more lions. So let’s triple what a life-size mount would be worth, leaving us with a lion that is worth $30 000.

But is that a male or female? A lion pride can consist of up to three males, around a dozen females and whatever young are still hanging around. So if a male lion is less common than a female, then it would probably be worth more (sorry, ladies). But there’s also the fact that male lions don’t hunt all that often. They just lay around and make babies, while still looking pretty. I would add $15 000 to our first value, rather than using the 4:1 ratio seen in the prides. Basically, we’re just adding what that glorious mane would be worth. Let that be a lesson to you – never underestimate the value of a head of golden locks.

Ok, so the value for a lion like Cecil would be $45 000. Well, maybe not like Cecil, since this is the value for it alive. Too soon? I don’t care. We’re doing math here.
The dentist paid $55 000 for the trip, which is a bit more than the lion’s worth, so I’m assuming that some of the cost was for the experience and not just getting the lion, since you can literally buy them off ebay.

Now what’s the dentist worth? There’s many ways, according to google, to value the average human life. Health insurance companies have set a standard at $50 000. If that’s true, then PETA isn’t actually all that off in calling for the guy to pay the ultimate price for killing a lion. There is the $5000 difference, but I imagine that’s countered by the fact no one wants to stuff a dentist and place him in their living room.

But Time Magazine claims that researchers at Stanford U says this is too low; it should be closer to $129 000, based on cost of kidney dialysis. So a person is worth almost three lions, or two males and a female (again, sorry, ladies). If that’s the case, the dentist should be allowed to go on two more hunts before people start demanding he’s hanged. It’s only fair.

There was one more number that I found. The US Office of Management and Budget value the average human life between $7 and $9 million. They get this number from looking at job riskiness and stuff. I didn’t get it. But this is the American government’s value on the average human life.
But a dentist isn’t an average person. They went to school for way too long to not get that distinction. Their job isn’t overly risky, but they are paid heavily for their efforts. Now, it’s not that I think this person is better than, say, a coal-miner. But it would be tougher to retrain a competent dentist that it would be for a miner. So it’s the job that adds a bit more value to the dentist. I think adding an extra million to the high number is fair. I don’t think that the personality of a person comes into effect here, though. He could be a scumbag or a saint, but a life is a life.

A dentist’s life, therefore, is worth $10 million. A male lion is worth $45 000.

Something doesn’t add up here.

PETA wants the death penalty to be enacted for his hunting trip. When else is the death penalty enacted in the United States? Murder, child rape and treason are the big three in the states that still carry capital punishment. Economically speaking, those make sense. They are ruining more than just one life in that of the victim, so it’s only fair to balance the books, so to say.

There’s only two ways I see this balancing, then:

1) The price of giving an animal a name is worth $9 9550 000
2) Countless lives in Zimbabwe were permanently negatively affected.

Since the first one would raise a lot more questions and math, like what a person’s name is worth, and I’m tired of math, let’s look to Africa. I read an interesting article, written by a guy from Zimbabwe which stated that people there barely even knew that another lion was gone, let alone one was named Cecil. To them, they’re beasts that are to be feared. It reminded me of the movie The Ghost and the Darkness, which was about two man eating lions who killed and ate somewhere between 10 and 24 people, and was based on a true story. So African’s kinda don’t like them.

So it looks like the only people who were negatively affected were Americans. And really, were they actually affected? This lion was being watched by some university, and people outside came to follow its life. When we watch these giant cats on screens, we see that they’re just big kitties that want to play and cuddle, and forget that they are deadly predators. People have bought lions and tigers as pets, only to one day have them become the prey. They’re not cuddly. They’re wild animals. It takes generations upon generations to domesticate an animal species. That’s why we have house cats, and not pets that can fit our heads between their jaws.

So looking at things from an economic view, things don’t really add up. Even when you factor in that lions are listed as vulnerable, and the hunt may have been less-than-legal, a person is still far more valuable than a lion. And, really, you can’t value a human life with money. Once that person is dead, they are dead forever. They will never come back. And, yes, this is true for the lion, too, but other lions don’t care. They have no powers of reason. They’re wild animals. Sometimes a member of the pride dies, so they make new ones. A lion is a lion, no matter what name it’s been given. They are to be respected, but they will never be more valuable than a person.

The Adult Conversation

I’ve always been a fairly childish person. Not immature, but just never afraid to keep doing things that I liked as a kid, and still do to this day. Things like Lego, or looking up every time a plane flies overhead because I still think they’re cool (even though I see a dozen every day is Saskatoon). 

However, I’m also a fairly mature and responsible person, who can do things he needs to when he needs to, take care of bills, make plans with other people, and so on. Both of these sides coexist together inside me peacefully.

Until I enter into an adult conversation.

Now these are not adult-themed conversations. I’m not going to get into those (and nor should you). I’m referring to the unbelievably normal thing that happens when adults get together and end up talking. If you’re an adult, then you’ve had an adult conversation. Generally, I find that it happens with at least three people, and they sort of form themselves into a circle (standing or sitting) so everyone can be a part of the conversation. Chances are, too, that you’ve never thought anything of it when it happens, and maybe not even noticed it was happening. This may even what you think of when you hear the term “hanging out.”

Then there’s me.

You’ve probably already noticed that I’m referring to these things as “adult conversations” instead of just “conversations.” Well, look at how kids talk and be with each other. They are running around and doing things while they talk. It all happens at once. Adults take out the doing part and just talk. And that’s where I start to get problems.

For the first, say, 15-20 minutes, I’m perfectly fine with being in an adult conversation. I like getting to know people, and learning about things they’ve done, sharing stories and hearing funny stories from others. This is my adult, mature half saying, “Hey, it would be nice to see how this person is doing.”

After the first bit of the conversation, though, I start to get…antsy. It’s like I’ve suddenly decided I’m 6 years old and I don’t want to pretend to be a grown up anymore and I can’t sit still. I itch to get up and do something, but my maturity reminds me that I would look rude and kind of like an idiot.

But the feeling persists.

 So I end up forcing myself to sit and pay attention to what’s being said, but that ship has long sailed by this point. I look around. I get lost in my thoughts, then catch the last bit of a conversation that sounded interesting and want to know what happened before but can’t ask because then they’ll know that I really wasn’t listening at all and that I have the focussing capabilities of a humming bird. Is this what ADHD feels like?

Anyways, I sit silently like this, hoping I can jump into the conversation and force myself to be an adult, even though I know that the topics have departed my realm of knowledge and have no plans of returning to shore. That is, until I find a suitable distraction.

Here’s some real life examples:

1. I’m over at Janelle’s best friend’s house. We go out onto the back deck and hang out in the sunshine. Now, I know her, and we’ve talked briefly before, but I don’t really know her, and Janelle and her have a ton of history together, so I soon find myself sitting on the edge, watching them talk about old jobs and family friends and such. I’ve got nothing, so I start to look around, and let my mind wander…

"There’s a little bag on the shingles above them. Wonder how it got there? How long has it been there? I should take it down. Nope, can’t do that. That’d be weird. Man, there birds everywhere here. Ooh, they’re mentioning the birds! What is the bright orange one? An oriole maybe? I’ll suggest that (I did). Do they come around here, though? Or are they just in Baltimore?"

Suddenly, her little dog comes running out of the house to greet us. Usually, I’m not a fan of little dogs, but this one was pretty cute, and seemed really friendly to me, so I start playing with it. Soon I have it on my lap, and I’m just petting it and scratching it while it sits quietly. After 15 minutes, the dog gets up and leaves, and I realize I totally zoned out of the conversation. Whoops.

2. On that same weekend, Janelle and I went with her extended family to Dinosaur Provincial Park for a BBQ and to hang out with relatives. After the burgers, everyone starts to break off into groups and begin having conversations. Generally, in Janelle’s family, the men break off and talk about farming, while the women talk about…women things. I’m sorry, I can’t remember what they talked about. I usually think that I’m expected to be in the man group, so I listen to them talk about farming. Which I know very little about. Ranching I can get by with, but my farming knowledge ends after stooking. Which no one does anymore.

Anyways, during this picnic, I found myself torn between the two groups. First, I wanted to be with Janelle (because we’re engaged, if you didn’t already know), but I couldn’t contribute a thing to their conversation. I also wanted to hang with the guys, but I could contribute even less (especially since hockey season is over). So there I am, in the middle, listening to both side while not listening at all. Then Janelle’s (my?) nephew comes over and asks if I want to play football with him.

Heck yes, I do.

So I end up spending the rest of the time running around with a 4 year old and a 7 year old, letting them tackle me, wrestling with the younger one, and going to the park with them and hiding under a dinosaur slide, which led to pushing pebbles up through the perforated floor above us.

Now, some people may think that I was just being nice to the kids by playing with them. However, it’s more along the lines that I can’t sit still anyways and was looking for an excuse to go play with them because I freaking love it. I could escape the adult conversations and let my inner child go nuts. So really, I’m not just doing it for the kids. I’m doing it for me, too. Maybe that’s what draws me to elementary teaching.

Anyways, that’s my struggle of being in an adult conversation. One day I might be able to sit still and be all mature, but I highly doubt it. I’ll probably be the old guy playing with puppies and wrestling with his grandkids, while the adults sit around talking. 

Proven Performance

“Alright Jenkins, we need to put out a new ad campaign for our line of batteries, so show me what you’ve got.”

“Of course, sir. We’ve designed the new battery just like you wanted us to. We’ve had a team of top-notch graphic designers work on the logo and colouring for months. It is very flashy and eye-catching.”

“..And?”

“Sorry, sir?”

“What about the tests? How did it perform?”

“It did.”

“Excuse me?”

“It did, sir.”

“I’m…I’m not sure what you mean by that, Jenkins.”

“Well, sir, you asked us to test the performance of the batteries. So we asked ourselves, what is the most common use for our product? The answer: a remote control. Our team of researchers then popped in two of our AA batteries and tested to see if the batteries worked. They did.”

“Um, ok, slightly unorthodox, I suppose, but does the trick. What about the competition?”

“They also worked, sir.”

“You’re losing me, Jenkins.”

“You also asked us to test our competitor’s batteries performance, right? Our researchers also put those batteries into the remote. The remote still worked with those batteries.”

“That’s it? That’s all you have for me??”

“I don’t understand, sir. We did everything you asked.”

“I wanted to know HOW the batteries performed, Jenkins! Do they last longer? Run faster? Be...better batteries? I don’t know! That’s your JOB! But you’re telling me, after months of funding and research, that you have discovered that the batteries WORK?!”

“Um…yes.”

“Perfect. Just perfect! We have to release our add campaign TOMORROW! Our designers have everything ready to go, and we can’t even offer them a decent, research supported tag line to entice customers! I should have listened to my mother and become an encyclopedia salesman…”

“Don’t give up hope, sir. I think I have a slogan that will do the trick.”

“Well it will have to, Jenkins. It’s all we’ve got.”